Warning Signs of Abusive or Potentially Abusive Relationships

(Note on pronouns:  Abusers and victims can be of either gender but the majority of cases involve men abusing women.)

 

He is controlling and abusive. . .

· She is restricted in communicating with others; her use of phone, mail, or e-mail is monitored.

· She is forbidden to see friends or family, or limited in her contact with them.

· He is intensely jealous of her interactions with other men.

· He invades her privacy - her home, her room, her diary, her mail, her e-mail, her possessions.

· He grills her about what she did at work or at school.

· He controls finances and decision-making.

· He refuses to accept her termination of the relationship.

He seems to be two different people. . .

· He has a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality, often showing a charming, charismatic side to others.

· He seems deeply penitent, sorrowful, and loving after an emotionally or physically violent episode.

He is desperate or extreme about her. . . 

· He may push for commitments too early in the relationship.

· He threatens to kill her or himself if she leaves him.

· He says he cannot live without her or she cannot live without him.

· He seems obsessed with having her for himself.

He is verbally abusive. . .

· He puts her down, privately or publicly.

· He plays on her guilt or past love for him.

· He makes her question her sanity or accuses her of being crazy.

· He insults her intelligence, her body, or her looks.

He speaks disparagingly of women. . . 

· He denigrates her friends.

· He talks about the inferiority of women or the need to keep women in line or for men to be "on top."

He is violent. . .

· He loses his temper easily over small things; his anger seems frightening or out of proportion.

· He grabs her, twists her arm, pushes her, pulls her into the car; otherwise uses physical force.

· He is violent to her pets or cruel to animals in general.

· He was physically violent to a former partner.

· He throws things, kicks things, breaks things.

· He demands sex; he forces her or persistently urges her to perform sex acts without her consent.

He disowns responsibility. . .

· He denies being verbally or physically abusive.

· He blames her or someone else for the abuse.  She "made him do it" or 'drove him to it."

· He excuses the abuse on grounds of his great love for her.

She shows signs of physical, sexual, or psychological abuse. . .

· She excuses his actions toward herself or others.  Thus, she cannot name what is happening to her.

· She speaks of the inferiority of women or of their responsibility to keep relationships or homes intact.

· She accepts responsibility for his abuse, verbal and physical.

· She wants to end the relationship but fears what it will do to him or that he will retaliate.

· She has recurring, non-specific aches, pains, or ailments, which can signify stress.

· Her self-esteem suffers.  She speaks poorly of herself, especially in relation to him.

· She makes significant lifestyle changes to benefit or appease him.

· She has bruises or seems physically hurt.

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From the Domestic Violence Workshop held at Kalamazoo College on October 27, 1999, eight days after Maggie was killed on that campus by her ex-boyfriend who then killed himself.  For more about Maggie's story, visit http://homestead.com/octagonoctagon/rememberingmaggie.html